Secrets

SECRETS There were always secrets in my family. I didn't know that in the beginning. It is something I learned as I grew up, became a woman, a wife, and a mother. As a young mother, I had no idea of how the genetic codes also affected behavior. I had always believed behavior to be entirely environmental, I have since learned that this is not so. As a teenager I had made a vow to myself, “I was going to raise my children in such a way that they would be kept safe from all manner of abuses that I had suffered as child.” I knew that I had enough love, what I didn't know is how deep and how far back the abuse went in my family genetics. It had been there for generations and I was not able to prevent those same abuses from being passed down, in fact, some of them, the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual ones, I perpetuated much to my regret. In the mid-1970's I was put on a drug for depression, I began to gain a lot of weight and was always exhausted due to the drug. In the early 1980's as I began to investigate healing and pray for healing for the deep depression that I found myself in, I was guided to alternative healing modalities that went deeper into the psyche, and included going into the cell tissue of the body, this changed the DNA by releasing the cell memory stored in the cell tissue. This was absolutely amazing to me. I was fascinated and began searching for truth and healing. How did the body heal, how did Jesus Christ as 'The Master Healer' perform his miracles? He said, “This, and more shall you do.” Would I be able to heal myself? These were my questions, and the alternative modalities were my answers. I had a sister who was also involved in healing herself. As a child I had never liked this sister, I thought she was selfish, and lazy, I found this was not the truth about her. We became good friends and she became my healing partner. We took classes together, worked on each other and shared our 'secrets'. Our secrets were very similar, in fact they overlapped. Not in every detail nor did they share interactions with the same people, but in the events that we had kept secret. I had been filled with shame, thinking it was my fault and if I could just be 'gooder' these things would stop. Not True! I was not at fault and essentially neither was the perpetrator, a child just two years older than I was. It had to come from somewhere else and taught to the perpetrator. As my sister and I shared our stories, and talked with a cousin who grew up on our road, we began to discover a thread that wove through our abuses. We also discovered that our parents were not able to take a stand and tell the parents of the children who were our perpetrators because, “They had to live with these people, they were their 'friends and neighbors'” Secrets, are kept by those who believe themselves to be victims and therefore they are powerless to change a situation. We learned where and how the abuse had been perpetuated. Secrets and more secrets ~ As my parents were approaching the end of their lives, they had set up a Trust to protect their assets that at their deaths their children could inherit equally. This is what we had been told for many, many years. Suddenly when the 'Trustees' were given control of the Trust, we non-Trustees were told that things were non of our business and that they didn't want to tell us, they didn't have to tell us and they were not going to tell us. More Secrets ~ Two years before my mother passed a huge secret came forth, it blew my mind. My mother's father was revealed as 'the father' to my Aunt's illegitimate child that she had been forced to give up for adoption in the early 1900's. There was much shame attach to children born our of wedlock and the story was told that the father was a man who was married and had great responsibilities and therefore she had to give the child up. She was not given a choice as girls are now given. My aunt lived with this secret her whole life, her life was cluttered, she was a hoarder and so out of control, yet on the outside she 'tried' to control. She tried really really hard to be a good person to compensate for her hidden secret, she felt it was her fault. IT WAS NOT ~ This is one example of the sins of the fathers' being passed down to the children. Children willing accept responsibility for their parents anger and rage, thinking that it is their fault. It is only through personal choice and accountability and coming into a oneness with the Divine and claiming atonement will one be able to heal these patterns, and change their life. As I met this part of my extended family, I was amazed at how profound the genetic resemblances were. My cousin not only physically looked like my aunt, she walked like my aunt, and talked with the same inflections in her voice and used some of the exact phrases that my aunt used. My cousins' children were close to my age, I found that they carried the same emotional baggage as I did, as well as, my other cousins on my mothers' side of the family. It was like a De Ja Vu. They had experienced very similar abusive situations as I had. I felt connection, compassion, and empathy. One of the main avenues of healing requires that those things which have been denied, kept secret, be revealed. Not all of these secrets are limited to families. Secrets are kept by cultures, religious orders, communities, nations and individuals. In my case, it became very apparent to me that my 'family secrets' held keys to release me from the terror and fear that had gripped my life up to that point. I had always controlled my life by clinging to false beliefs that 'if', I could set my boundaries I would be safe. I found myself, always on the run, quitting, making excuses, avoiding and hiding; all ways of deflecting the pain and the responsibility for my life to someone or something else. I now realize that this was extremely dis-empowering and it led to many of my health issues. Our lives are so interconnected, we must learn to integrate our mind, body and spirit into the oneness that is offered by the Divine, The Atonement. It is through facing our fears and looking deeply into our lives, choosing to release, forgive and claim the Atonement can we move forward into a productive life filled with the Joy that we seek. For the Joy that we seek is seeking us.